I'm mad...

The last three weeks at church, we have been in a series entitled "I'm Mad". We started week 1 on being mad at the church. Week 2 focused on being mad at God and this week focused on being mad at ourselves. This one really hit a nerve with me. It really made me think of how my anger at myself sloshes out on all those around me. Before now, I never realized the effects it can have on my relationships, but after listening, it was brought front and center in my mind.

Within the sermon, our Pastor focused on 3 main criteria:

1: We are mad because of past experiences
2. We are mad because we try to reach unattainable expectations
3. We are mad for lacking in our responsibilities

Though I connected with all 3 of his criteria, 1 and 2 really hit home.

Throughout my life, I have at times been dealt a pretty crappy hand. Between the age of either 5 or 6 I was molested by a neighbor. I proceeded to hold my emotion inside, not telling a single person for almost 20 years. Though I was quiet, I still grew angry. I was angry that my parents didn't catch on, didn't wonder, didn't ask. But how could they even begin to know? Once I began to tell my story, I became even more angry at myself for not telling. Seeing the look on my mom's face after letting free a 20 year secret. That anger is still there. I am angry at myself for allowing the actions to happen. For not speaking up. Not running away. I can now recognize that I have and probably still do allow that anger to slosh onto those I love. Ouch... I find myself taking out my past failed relationships on my current one. Angry at myself for the way others ended, yet bringing that baggage into a new one. It makes me mad...

The second criteria is probably the biggest for me. I have always strived for perfection. I needed to have the perfect grades, perfect family, perfect everything. If perfection was not achieved, my anger would grow to a higher level. My body image has also played an exceptional role in my anger. I am constantly striving for perfection. Endlessly working out, counting calories, depriving myself of certain foods, constant weigh ins...I compare myself to EVERYONE. Then grow angry at myself for not adding up. I constantly want to look perfect. I need to have the perfect clothes, makeup, hair, etc. I shop more than I know I should yet find myself always looking for something to make me look the way I think I should. But again, if I don't add up to the view in my head, I am mad. Very mad. This anger has ruined relationships, and currently puts strain on current ones.

The third and final one relates to me as well, regarding my responsibilities as a parent. I know there are times I dismiss something Lane has said or done, then get angry at him for the outcome. Yet, the only person I should look to is myself. Why am I getting so angry at him when it was my job as a parent to catch it in the first place.... Sometimes, I think I need to tune out the outside and spend more time focusing on my responsibility to Lane as his mom. I need to work on not sloshing my anger for my lack of action onto him.

I am hoping God will help me through this time. Help me with my anger. Help me be happy with me... As I type, I find that in actuality, I have never been happy with the person that I am. No matter how much I have succeeded I have always thought I should have done more, I could have gotten higher.

My prayer today is simple. To take this reflection as a time for growth. To try to let my anger wall at myself go down. I need to realize that it will not be instant nor fun. It will be challenging and scary, yet I know it is what I need to find happiness with myself.