Simple blessings

After writing yesterday's blog, I was so incredibly humbled and felt so loved for all of the amazing comments that my friends and family left in support for mine and Dave's decision regarding Lane and medication. Knowing that people are in our corner lifts us up, elevating us to new levels in parenting. It makes me, as a mom, feel that I am doing what is right for my child. It makes me feel that other parents think I am doing a good job. Though we shouldn't care what others think or feel about us, the truth is that we all do. Knowing that other people think I am a good mom brings smiles to my lips and fuzzies inside.

I realize that I am surrounded by the most amazing people. People who are just a phone call away when I need words of encouragement. Their arms are open when I need a hug. Ears are perked when I need to vent. I am so in awe of these people that God has blessed me with.

It is so easy to focus on the negative (something I greatly tend to do) but then when I stop and look around, I know that I have so much more than I give myself credit for. I have girlfriends that are irreplaceable, parents who have always pushed me to succeed and knew I wouldn't stop until I reached my goal, a fiance who amazes me daily on the amount of love he has for me. A son that words can not even begin to express the happiness he brings me. 2 great siblings, who again, are always in my corner.

This year has brought with it many struggles. Yet, as I look back, I know I have never been alone. Not even for a moment. I have had an amazing God leading me through and amazing companions by my side. Wow. How lucky am I?! How lucky are we all to have these simple blessings!!

The beginning of a new journey

Wednesday was the big day meeting with Lane's physician regarding starting him on any medication for his struggles. I had mixed emotions going into the meeting. On top of those, that was the morning of Lane's puke fest, so I was feeling a bit high strung. I think within the last year, Lane has been to the doctor/therapist more times than I can remember. However, as long as it helps meet the long term goal of helping him, I am all in.

The meeting went kind of how I expected. We discussed the checklist that was given to me by the therapist and where Lane falls within that checklist. We discussed his typical behaviors, the paths we have tried thus far, their success level and such. Prescribing medication to a child at Lane's age can be difficult. The questions that are often raised are the ones pertaining to their lack of maturity and the idea that is it something that will come in time, or do we have a bigger issue on our hands? If their is a bigger issue, then the question whether to wait or not was brought up. The Dr. stated that if indeed Lane does have ADHD, it would be detrimental to him to wait until 3rd or 4th grade when his grades are behind and his behavior had worsened. I told him that I wouldn't stop until every stone was overturned in trying to figure out what was best for Lane.

We ultimately decided to try some medicine to see if it indeed would help Lane. Just filling the prescription was a struggle for me. The idea of putting my child on medicine felt wrong. I felt like I was in a way cheating him, like I was giving up. Taking the easy way out. Not able to handle it on my own. Dave and I talked about it afterwards and ultimately did decide to give him some the next morning. Thursday AM, I poured a bit of juice in a glass and emptied the tiny capsule into it, dissolving it into grape juice goodness. Down the hatch it went. Lane seemed unbothered. I, on the other hand felt torn. Would he be ok? Would anyone notice a difference? What if he had bad side effects? What would people think of me? Of him? Of us? UGH! I then emailed his teacher to let her know of our situation (I love his teacher! She is amazing!). She emailed me back that afternoon saying that Lane had a FANTASTIC day! He sat quietly, walked quietly and was eager to learn. YAHOO! I was so excited to hug him, to love on him! I was SO proud of him.

When he got home, he showed Dave and I how he could tie his shoes. This tended to be a task that would create great frustration for him, but there we sat, on the floor in the mud room watching him tie and double knot his Nike's. Amazing. He was beaming. I was beaming. Dave was beaming. That night, he was a little wound up, but I figured it was due to the excitement of his day. Dave and I tucked him in and went to bed ourselves. Before we knew it, Lane was up twice saying he wasn't tired. Finally at around 10, Dave went and sat with him for a bit trying to get him calm. All seemed quiet on the home front after that....Until 4:30 when he came in our room wide eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start his day. I told him that it was too early and walked him back to bed. He said he wasn't tired and said he had been up all night. WHAT?!?! I automatically went into panic mode. What does he mean he didn't sleep? How will he function today? What if he crashes at school and falls asleep in his lunch? Oh geesh, what do I do now?

I promptly called his doctor as soon as they opened. The nurse said that it could happen and we had to wait it out. REALLY?! Who waits out a 5 yr old who doesn't sleep?! Luckily, she called back after speaking with the doctor and we were to try half doses for the weekend to see if that would help. Luckily for us and Lane, it seemed to take hold. We could see his focus shift. The noises that were normally his constant companion had stopped. Yet, he was still his funny, adorable self.

We have noticed some changes that we are watching closely, as he has tended to want to spend more quiet time alone. Also, when the meds wear off, he can get a bit crazy. Bouncing off the walls. Dave and I are both hoping that once the medicine really gets into his system, these things will work themselves out.

These last few days have been a definite inner struggle, but I know I have Lane's best interest at heart. Dave and I are both committed to helping him to the best of our ability. Lane is our life. Is this medicine the answer? We don't know. Is their other options available? We still have more researching to do. Is Lane happy and loved? ABSOLUTELY!

The flu bug bites

Oh what a day!! Yesterday definitely takes the cake as my most disgusting parenting moment to date. Yesterday morning as I was getting out of the shower, Lane ran to me proclaiming that he "throwed up in his bed 3 times" I naturally thought that the deed had just been done, but was quickly educated by him, that this deed had in fact been done overnight. Meaning, he slept in his ICK all night long!!! (insert gagging reflex here) Oh geeze, I am suppose to be the parent, but now I have to try to hold myself together all while cleaning up ICK and dealing with him. The ICK had to wait as I heard new sounds coming from the bathroom.

The poor kiddo was curled over the 'loo tossing his cookies like a pro. I stood behind him, rubbing his back, trying to calm him the best I could. In a quick break from the action, he told me his knees were shaking, so I quickly got him to kneel and that seemed to help a bit (I can't help but remember that I was in that exact position many times in my college days). Once that episode was over, it then moved to the other end...I practically pulled him off the ground in order to make his booty sit down as quickly as I could. I don't think I could have handled cleaning up 2 kinds of ICK in one day!

Luckily, he only had one more puking session after that. Though his bottom end was a different story. Before he would have to "go" he would grab his belly and get a look on his face saying, "oh S%#^!" (no pun intended) We would both scurry to the bathroom just in time. I felt so bad for him, watching him in such discomfort, knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do to make it better.

Our day was filled with snuggles, pedialite and the BRAT diet. I would like to say that it my magical snuggles that made the ICK stop around 1:00, but I am sure the pedialite and bland food played a much bigger role!

Now here's hoping that the ICK doesn't make a move onto me or Dave. Now that we're engaged, doesn't mean I have to clean up his ICK too, does it???

*I am coming to the realization that many of my posts pertain to Lane and the bathroom. Thinkin' I should get some new material!*

life as usual

Life has been pretty routine lately, something that I am totally ok with. Sometimes it is so easy for life to get away from us that we forget the comfort of our daily routine. We haven't had any big plans, just hangin', enjoying the simple times.

Dave is in DC until tomorrow for business, which leaves Lane and I to fend for ourselves. Last night was filled with leftovers for dinner and tons of snuggie time. Totally low key, but we both enjoyed it. I capped off my night by falling asleep on the couch. Exciting stuff, huh?

I awoke this morning to rain. Pretty dreary today. A perfect day for sweats, daytime TV and naps. Yet here I am, drinking some cocoa at my desk. It's all part of the routine.

Tomorrow...repeat :)

Spring is a comin'

This weeks weather has been AMAZING compared to the past months. The milder temps have brought us outside to enjoy the sun, wind and scents of spring. Monday evening Dave, Lane and I sat outside as we grilled steak for dinner. It was so nice to sit and listen to the sounds. Lane was excited to see the ducks who live by the creek behind our house. These times are some of my favorite. When I can just sit back and observe my family. It is when no words are needed to be said, we can just be together and enjoy.

This week also brought Spring Break for Lane. He has loved the more relaxed routine of spending time at daycare playing rather than at school learning! He has also loved getting to wear his spring jacket compared to his hefty winter one. His scooter and bike have made their way from the basement and are ready for their spring tune up.

I absolutely love Spring and all of the things it has to offer. More daylight, fresh smells, new plants, spring rain showers, open windows, etc... It all puts me in a spot of happiness.

Weekend Recap

This weekend was nice. There was no scheduling, just enjoying family. Lane and I met up with my parents for breakfast on Saturday morning. This was especially nice since I haven't seen them since late January. I love being able to sit and chat with them. I love to watch my mom google over Lane. It is a no pressure, happy time.

Lane and I hung out most of the day, making a trip to the salon for me, while sneaking in a cut for him. The afternoon rounded out with a trip to the mall for an opportunity for him to run off some energy in the playground and for me to do some retail therapy (something I do very well!).
The 3 of us treated ourselves to a cook free dinner and went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, Chapala. I overate on guac and chips, but it was soooo tastey!

I became reacquainted with my dear friend, the treadmill on Sunday morning. Did a 2 mile run/walk combo. I really need to get my butt in gear to be wedding dress perfect! Lane and I did crunches together and laughed a lot. Laundry was done, dinner was made, snuggle time was had.

Now back to the grind! Happy Monday!

Behavior struggles brought to light

My Wednesday was filled with the slight chaos of an unscheduled appointment and all of the shifts in a schedule it can bring. Lane was originally scheduled to go to his therapist next Friday (which was a reschedule due to a family emergency 2 wks ago by the doc) but around 10:30 I got a call saying that there had been a cancellation and they could see Lane at 2. This worked out best for work, so I took a half day and shuttled Lane to his appointment.

Each time we go, I learn so much more about myself, as a parent and about Lane, as a child. The overall focus of this appointment was the doc bringing to light the idea that Lane might be ADD or ADHD. This is something he has been seeing and hearing during our previous sessions. I have to say, as a mom, it hurt to hear. He had me read over a list of symptoms that individuals with this condition typically possess. It was startling how many of the bullet points correlated with Lane's behavior.

Last night also brought the dreaded conversation with Lane's dad. That went better than I had expected, but at the same time, I felt that he was hesitant in believing the findings. Today, the therapist is going to contact him and discuss the situation further. I pray that he sees that Lane needs the stability that he gets here and that the lengthy amount of time away could end up causing more harm to him.

Today brings more phone calls to Doctor's, emails to his teacher, etc to try to get the best plan panned out for Lane. It can be so hard at times to keep that parent facade up, when all you want to do is hug your baby and wish they didn't have to go through the struggles that they are faced with. I am hoping that together, we can all come up with the best plan to help Lane and make this transition as painless as possible.

I hope everyone has a happy Thursday! Date night with my honey tonight, which will be a welcomed distraction :)

Please pass the TP

When I get frustrated, I bite my nails. I started today off with long ones, and am now down to stubs. Why?? Let me tell you why...

As I was leaving daycare this morning a mom stops me and says that her child was hit by Lane. I proceeded to apologize to her for his behavior if he indeed hit them and assured her that hitting has been something that Lane has made vast improvements on in past months (case in point...he has gone from receiving approximately 19 incident reports in a week to MAYBE 1 a month!) BIG IMPROVEMENT!!! She agreed with me there and said that she too could tell a difference...then proceeded to tell me that if Lane hit her child again, she would call the board of directors on him. At first I was taken aback and didn't say much and before I knew it, the conversation was over.

Back in my car, my frustrations began to grow. First of all, names are not written on incident reports, so she is asking her child, and I am sure they are saying Lane's name. BUT there is no way of knowing if her child is telling the truth (I have to say, that she is one of those mom's who thinks her poop don't stink, ya know what I mean?). My mama claws began to come out and I called daycare to get the low down on the situation. They said that she had spoken to them and they can't be positive that it is Lane who hit her child. The lady also said "they ARE schoolagers and it happens." Exactly, it HAPPENS!! Also, who is to say that her child didn't provoke the situation?

Now, I know better than anyone how Lane can be, but in my heart of hearts, I know that he is not a bad kid and has worked tremendously hard to improve his behavior. I really wish I was the confrontational type, because after she left, I felt bad for not sticking up more for my child. Does Lane mess up from time to time? Absolutely, but in some cases I can guarantee that it is not completely his fault. I feel that he has more than proved himself in his actions. Luckily, the folks at daycare have too seen the improvement in him and know that we are taking continued steps to make that improvement grow even more. *sigh*

The sarcastic side of me wants to take her some TP and tell her to stop and take a whiff, but I will politely wait and let the appropriate people handle the situation. :)

Amanda Jo

Today, my friends, has been a rough one. 6 years ago today, I lost one of my closest friends to a car accident. When people die who are at older age, it somehow seems more accepted in a way since they are perceived as having lived a good life. When someone dies at the age of 23, it comes as a shock in more ways than one. In many ways, their lives are just beginning, they are just starting to figure out who they are and what they want their life to be made up of. In an instant, that can all be taken away, leaving them gone and leaving their family and loved ones with a void, never being able to be filled. The day I found out Amanda and her boyfriend, Jason had died the previous evening in a car accident is a day that will forever be etched in my mind. In a mere moment, the breath was taken from my chest and hysterics came in large, submerging waves. The idea that she was gone, was something that I could not even begin to comprehend. We all live our lives in this type of denial, thinking that the unthinkable could never happen to us...until it does.

When Amanda passed, I was 8 months pregnant with Lane. I flew home the next day, knowing that missing her last goodbye was not possible. I lived those next days in a daze. 2 wakes and 2 funerals in as many days. I felt that my life was ripped apart and couldn't begin to think of picking up the pieces. To this day, there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of her, wondering what her life would be like today. I still find myself reaching for the phone to call her when things happen that I know she would love.

A month and 8 days after her passing, I had Lane and my grief grew to higher levels than I ever imagined. I was then able to understand the love that a parent has for their child, and the idea of losing them brought me to my knees. I grieved for her parents, her brother, her family. Though my pain was great, their pain was even more.

Throughout the years, I have been able to slowly move forward, able to live my life without the daily struggle of grief. I feel her around me, letting me know that she's ok. I still have my selfish moments, wanting her here, yet am comforted with the idea that she is in a place we all hope to be. So until then, I can look forward to the day until we can laugh together again, telling each other our crazy stories, until I can feel her hugs.

So, my friends, hug your loved ones tight tonight. Let them know you love them to the moon and back.

Lucky Girl

Since I have shared the news of my engagement to Dave, I thought it would be relevant to tell you a little bit more about the guy who has my heart. Dave and I met 2 years ago when he came to where I work and interviewed for a position. From the get go, I thought he was attractive (he says the same about me!) but thought he was out of my league. He seemed very professional and quiet. Me..I'm professional, but quiet is not something I possess! When around him, I found myself trying to talk to him about anything and everything. When he would walk away I would sit and cower my head as I replayed the conversation, realizing that I sounded like a complete idiot! I was so nervous around him and would constantly stumble my words, making relatively no sense at all! We went on this way for well over a year, until I became interested in the whole running thing. Before we knew it, we were running together, talking about everything under the sun. I was surprised at the amount we had in common. He made me laugh and gave me so much encouragement throughout my running struggles.

Almost a year ago, he FINALLY made the first move!! I had recently moved into a new apartment, which happened to be across the street from his condo. I innocently texted him one evening asking how a cooking class was going that he was taking with his mom. He later texted back stating that he had wine if I had glasses...come on now, it was TOTALLY obvious! So we sat and talked over wine and have been together ever since! :)

We have definitely had our share of struggles but have learned so much about each other and our relationship each time. It is crazy that I get to be with someone who respects and loves me no matter what. Coming from past relationships, I honestly thought that this kind of love wasn't in the cards for a girl like me. I pictured Lane and myself living our life. Now, we get the great addition of a man who loves us both!

School conference recap

Last night Lane had his second set of school conferences. As a parent, I am still adjusting to this part of the job. It is so surreal to me to be sitting there, in those tiny seats, talking about Lane's progress. I can't believe that I have a child half way done with his kindergarten experience! :( Thankfully though, the meeting went well! Lane is doing great on many levels, yet still needs some work on his writing. To him, that stuff is boring. Little does he know, that we will now be implementing a nightly writing routine to get him caught up! This whole education business is big stuff in my house. School will always be numero UNO! Growing up, this wasn't a problem for me, but I did see my siblings get privileges and beloved possessions get taken away quite frequently for their lack of learning. I am not opposed to do the same with my kid(s). Even at his young age, I am trying to teach Lane that the most important quality he can posses is knowledge. The boy is smarter than he realizes but needs to learn to apply himself in order to reach his full potential. With his mama constantly looking over his shoulder, hopefully he will learn quickly! :)

Dinnertime dilemma

Dinnertime and Lane have always been a stressful combination. The child takes bird sized bites and tends to jabber his jaws a bit too much, causing dinnertime to go on...and on...and on. I previously mentioned that when dinner is ready, we now start a timer for 30 minutes. This is the length of time Lane gets to finish his meal. Though this time limit is helping, Dave and I are constantly telling him to focus, take a bite, sit right, etc. It makes dinnertime very stressful and chaotic.

Lane also tries to pull the potty trick. He will say he has to go REALLY bad, which then turns into a tantrum when we refuse to let him go. (our rule is that once you are at the table, you are there until you are done). Last night, this was the exact scenario that played out. Lane was nibbling away until Dave asked him to turn his chair correctly. It started with little whines, then moved to I have to go potty, and finally climaxed when he was put in timeout. The thing is, is that Dave and I both know that Lane truly does not have to go to the bathroom. When we tell him of this knowledge, it completely sets him off and we begin the cycle of timeout.

Maybe we should start making him go potty before dinner, causing him no more excuses. I have also contemplated the idea of no longer bickering at him to eat his dinner, in the hopes that eventually he will get a clue. But then there is the mom side of me who thinks that he will be hungry and that it's my job to make sure he gets enough to eat. HELP!! Please tell me that some other parents out there are either experiencing my same struggles or have been in my situation before.

Lets hope tonight brings with it a better outcome.