Mixed Emotions

Yesterday was meeting # 2 with Lane's play therapist. Since our first meeting, Lane has seemed to turn a small corner. His anger has been few and far between recently, letting me breathe a slight sigh of relief. Though progress is being made, there is still quite a bit of work to be done. The biggest task ahead...talking to his father about shortening his summer stay. Within our divorce, it stated that he is to have Lane for 60 days. However, Lane has never been away from me for more than 2 weeks since he was born, with those 2 weeks being spent with his father last summer. The therapist feels that the extended amount of time away could be developmentally and emotionally taxing on Lane. At this point, I am at a standstill on what to do or where to turn. It would seem logical to just call him up and tell him the situation. If it were only that easy...

When I anticipate how the conversation would play out, my anxiety levels automatically rise. Communication was not something that we excelled at and is still something we struggle with. The conversations are quick to turn into a you said, I said, he said, she said type of deal with voices and emotions being raised. I try to see the person who he says he is now, but have yet to get past the person I know all to well. I have gotten to the point where the topic preoccupies me throughout the day, causing anxiety and depression. I am the mom, I am suppose to protect my child from things that could harm him. (not at all implying that his father would) Yet, I can't manage to make a phone call for fear of what would be said! Here I sit, writing to all of you about my worries and concerns while my phone sits next to me, knowing that I don't have the guts to call.

My one saving grace is that Lane's Doctor has offered to call him after a few more meetings to try to explain the situation to him. I am praying that he can get him to see the severity of the situation and how the extended time away from me could hurt him. I am in no way trying to keep Lane from him. I have always pushed for their relationship. Even if the two of us don't get a long, he IS Lane's dad and Lane deserves to have him in his life. I just pray that we can come to a compromise, somehow...